One Year Of Motherhood

 

And just like that my baby boy is one. A toddler, no longer a baby. Time is abstract when it comes to motherhood; the days can be so very long yet you still find yourself wondering where the months disappear to. 

I'm not sure it's really possible to sum up the first year of motherhood, there is simply too much to say. I never knew I could survive on so little sleep, but I also never knew I could love this hard. 

Arriving home from the hospital when Bobby was two days old, we stood in the living room and cried. Cried with relief at being home with our healthy baby, cried with a newfound rush of love and protectiveness we didn't know what to do with yet and cried with absolute overwhelm at the task ahead of us. We made pasta and sat at the table with our baby and the cat. 

I found the early days difficult and *grits teeth when saying something that may make me appear anything less than grateful for my baby* not altogether enjoyable. Night times were chaos, day times were filled with Friends reruns while my baby was constantly attached to my boob and the so-called fourth trimester had me good and proper. 

Next came the endless pounding of the streets, come rain or shine, to get my baby to nap. The sudden spells of more awake time that took me by surprise when I realised I didn't know how to actually entertain a very small baby. The small smiles and proper eye contact that got me through the day. 

From then on it just got better and better. Some people say the best day of their life was the day their child was born. I don't think this is true; I've had so many more days since that day that have trumped it by far. Watching my own child develop over the first year of his life has been an absolute honour. Seeing how pleased he is with himself when he manages to learn something new, knowing what is guaranteed to make him laugh, which is my favourite sound in the world, and watching him develop relationships with the people I love is so special. 

The first year really is filled with all sorts of emotions, struggles and joys. Reflecting on it is bittersweet because I can't help but think I wish I'd worried less and enjoyed it more, but there's a lot of pressure to 'enjoy every moment of motherhood' and that simply isn't the reality. What I know for certain is it gets easier and it just keeps getting better, so rather than focusing on the past I'm excited that this is the first of many birthdays for my little boy and I can't wait to continue seeing him thrive. And despite what I've just said, the past year has been the best year of my life so far. 

I have so much I could write, but it all comes back to the same thing; my heart is so very very full.

Happy birthday my sweet boy xx