My Relationship With My Pregnant Body

When I first got pregnant I was obviously aware that my body was going to change quite dramatically and I was totally okay with that; I was growing a real life human inside me and that's all I was really focussed on. I was expecting to get a baby bump, I was expecting to put on a bit of weight and I was expecting stretch marks to appear among numerous other changes. I remember saying to Matthew 'I don't care what happens to my body as long as we have a healthy baby' or something along those lines.

The above stance was all well and good, but these were my thoughts before said changes actually started to happen. When they do start to happen they seem to happen rather suddenly. What this made me realise was, that despite never being 100% happy with my body, I'd actually grown to accept it and to accept what I saw as 'flaws' (in inverted commas because what even is a flaw apart from our own perception of ourselves?) and was happily living my life without giving much too much thought to my body and what it looked like. I count myself lucky that I felt this way, although I wish I'd known I felt that way at the time because it sure was one long journey to getting there. 

Don't get me wrong, I love my baby bump, mainly because it's got my baby in it! It's a very comforting thing to have and I can't keep my hands off it, especially when the baby is kicking. I suppose the only way I can describe my relationship with my pregnant body is complex. I both love and hate it. 

I love the amazing things that my body is doing, although I'm not a huge fan of how it's making me feel. I feel comfortable at home with my belly out watching and feeling little kicks through it, but I feel uncomfortable and self-conscious in most of my clothes when I leave the house. I have days where I feel amazing in a floaty dress and like I actually have that pregnancy glow then there are days where I can't find anything makes me feel like myself.

There's a lot of guilt that comes with not feeling completely happy with my pregnant body, mainly because I feel incredibly lucky that my body has been able to begin creating a baby, but also because I know there are people who struggle with their body image every day regardless of whether they're pregnant or not.

I guess in summary, it's easy to say you don't care what happens to your body because it's creating a baby, but in reality it's completely normal to feel all sorts of things about it when it actually happens. I know this is only the start of my body changing, and that it will change yet again once the baby is born so for now I'm simply cutting myself some slack and allowing myself to feel however I'm feeling.