Wednesday, 11 October 2017

Playing the DUFF


Fun fact: I used to want to be an actress. And I don't mean that it was a phase I went through at age 7 when I loved putting on shows for my family, I mean in the sense that I went through GCSEs and A-Levels with that in mind as my end goal and went on to study Drama at university in order to achieve it. LOL. I did a lot of growing up at university. I'll be honest and admit that my course was extremely pretentious and completely put me off the idea of acting altogether, plus I became a realist. I knew that I wasn't the type of person who could cope with not having a stable income and I also knew that if I did pursue acting I wouldn't get the roles I'd want. 

Whenever I used to watch a really good film I'd feel this yearning towards the leading lady, a kind of emotion of wishing that it was me (funnily enough I now get this same yearning when I watch a good film of wishing I'd worked on it behind the scenes). The thing is, I came to realise that I would never play the leading lady. I would play the DUFF. If you don't know what that stands for it's the Designated Ugly Fat Friend. Now, this isn't a pity post - I know this is a shocking thing for a woman to admit, but I don't think I'm ugly and I don't think I'm fat - but by film industry standards I am not a leading lady. 

The interesting thing is, I think the reason I was always drawn towards the leading lady is because I've never been her in real life either. I didn't want to play the DUFF because that's the role I've already played growing up. Note to anyone reading this far in - this post is about to get rather personal, I'm not meaning it to be a 'woe is me' post, but it's something I want to write about so I will, using my blog as a form of therapy and all that. 

I've always had very beautiful friends. Growing up, I was the DUFF in my friendship group, the one who was always there listening to her friend's boy woes without having any of her own because why would a boy look at me when I had much more desirable friends they could look at instead? My best friend in secondary school was conventionally stunning - blonde, petite and curves in all the right places. I was always the support act and although I never let it show, it made me feel hugely insecure. Boys stared at her in the street, they approached her at parties and she had a string of boyfriends in the time that I had none. Compared to her, I felt fat and I felt ugly and maybe that knock to my confidence was part of the problem.



In sixth form I had an equally stunning best friend and again, I felt inferior because I knew that given the choice everyone (including my boyfriend at the time) would pick her over me. Maybe that was all in my head, but at an age when you basically decide whether you 'fancy' someone based purely on looks I don't think it was. Recently an old friend (who was extremely drunk at the time of saying this so I should maybe take it with a pinch of salt) admitted that he'd felt we were 'never as cool as the others' and it brought everything back to the forefront of my mind. I think I'd forgotten that I once felt like that too and the fact that he vocalised what we'd never spoken about at the time confirmed to me that everything I'd once suspected was actually true.

But I guess I grew up and my perspective changed, along with everyone else's. I still have the same best friend, but I don't feel any 'less' than her just because she's beautiful. We're just different and we're completely equal. I'd also like to point out that she has never made me feel insecure or inferior, it's only ever been other people. Even just last month someone advised me to be careful what I dress my bridesmaids in because she could easily upstage me. On reflection, that's an awful thing for someone to say, but it doesn't bother me anymore. I'm proud to have such a beautiful best friend and I want her to look stunning on my wedding day.



In films there's always a DUFF, but in real life I think that stops when you get past a certain age. Yes, there are moments when I feel like her all over again, but they're brief and easily brushed aside. Yes, I played the DUFF in secondary school, but now I'm the leading lady in my own life alongside my friends who are equally leading ladies in theirs.

Dress - New Look (similar) | Scarf - Zara (similar | Bag - Primark | Boots - Topshop (here) 

Amy x


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16 comments

  1. waoo girl you looks stunning dear all pictures are cute :)
    https://wpthemesfree.website wp best

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  2. I remember a film coming out not too long ago called The Duff but I was worried to watch it in case it reminded me too much of my school experience! Really interesting too that you wanted to be an actress, I played a door once in a school production so it definitely wasn't on the cards for me!!
    Have a lovely day :)
    Rosanna x
    Rose's Rooftop

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    1. Yeah I didn't see it, but I remember seeing an advert! Haha I'm sure you made an excellent door xx

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  3. Literally hooked from the first sentence because I cannot believe how similar we are on this one; I also used to want to be an actress, I also went through GCSEs and A Levels with that as my end goal, I also studied Drama at university (although joint Hons with English lit, my plan was to do that so I had the literature side too and then go to Drama school after uni) and I also became very disillusioned with it all when I did my degree which was super pretentious. SO WEIRD. And I, also, throughout school and university and all that, always felt like the DUFF. I have SUPER pretty friends, and could never really match up to them in the looks department, a fact of which I was painfully aware for so many years. But, like you say - as you grow up it does change, even when you can remember feeling that way. You're beautiful xxx

    p.s. Also cannot believe what someone said about the bridesmaids, I am outraged for you!

    Sophie | Sophar So Good

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    1. That is so crazy how similar we are on this one! I had no idea you did Drama at uni. I'm so glad it's changed for you too as you've got older, I'm not sure why it happens but I suppose it's a part of accepting yourself which luckily we both seem to be doing! xxx

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  4. I'd like to think the various industries, acting, singing and the likes have changed over the years and appearances no longer hold us match regard in someone's ability to act or sing. You're beautiful by the way Amy! I know what you mean though as people growing up hold looks in such high regard but I truly think it's what's inside that counts.
    Jaz xoxo
    http://www.thelifeofasocialbutterfly.co.uk

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    1. Yeah I think they have changed, although I think there's still a long way to go especially with acting. Thanks Jaz! xx

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  5. Ooooo what a post!
    It's an interesting read as I've had a proper nostalgic week after going through a HUGE bag full of old photos from my teens.
    I have similar feelings to yours, however, my confidence has always been quite high because I grew up in a house of my dad and my brother and they seriously contributed to my healthy happy confidence - I only realise how much so as an adult though - maybe one day I should thank them for it ;)
    I'm glad your feelings have improved!
    PS. no one should have said that about your bridesmaids FFS!!

    Holly xx https://www.mrshollycrocker.com/

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    1. Aw that's great that you grew up confident - I imagine a house full of boys does help with that one! xx

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  6. You look so good in those photographs. I've never heard of the phrase 'Duff' before haha.

    Chloe | Mojichlo

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    1. Thank you lovely, I only heard of it recently, described me perfectly haha! xx

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  7. Oh wow, that is really a bad thing for someone to say. Instead of a friend, a bridesmaid upstaging the bride - and I don't think it's possible - one has to be careful with someone with such a thought and opinion. No one can do much about looks - we all have qualities, for sure - , but about thoughts and words, yes. Anyway, I am sure you will be the star of the day and you are beautiful. I know that at school people can compare, and people may think "I am not that cool", but it's because school is like that :) Many times :) I used to be chubby and I still am. At school I often heard "what for a face, if you only went on a diet". So, you see, people can be mean in any situation. Being curvy, fat, short, it doesn't matter, people will always find something to talk about "she's too short, she''s too thin, she's too fat, she's too this and that". I am glad that you overcame this and you will be a gorgeous bride!
    DenisesPlanet.com

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    1. Thanks Denise, yeah you're right, people will always find things to pick apart! xx

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  8. Interesting, I was the same. I did drama at GSCE and my mum was going to send me to stage school but I panicked and changed my mind haha

    Corinne x
    www.skinnedcartree.com

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    1. Ah that's so interesting, I applied for drama school but didn't turn up to any auditions! xx

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  9. Damn, Amy you should really start submitting your writing to publications because you always picks SUCH interesting topics! I'm sorry to hear you felt like the DUFF for so long, but you're absolutely right wen you say you're now the leading lady of your life - and you're shining! :)

    aglassofice.com
    x

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